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What I’ve Learned About Love, Loss, and Planning Ahead – Christine Lachapelle-Miller
by Christine Lachapelle-Miller, Funeral Director, Advance Planning Counselor, and Grief Specialist
I grew up around my family funeral business. Long before I understood the language of grief, I understood presence, watching my father show up, day after day, for people on what was often the worst day of their lives. I learned early that funeral service isn’t about death, it’s about love, responsibility, and the quiet ways we care for one another when words fall short.
That understanding deepened during the twenty years I spent working in hospice and bereavement care. I sat at kitchen tables, bedsides, and living rooms with families navigating anticipatory grief and unimaginable loss. I listened to regrets, fears, and unspoken wishes. And over and over again, I saw the same truth emerge, the families who were most at peace after a loss were often the ones whose loved ones had planned ahead.
Today, I serve families as a Funeral Director, Advance Planning Counselor, and Grief Specialist at Pontarelli-Marino Funeral Home which is part of the Dignity Memorial network. My perspective is shaped not just by professional training, but by decades of witnessing how preparation can gently change the experience of grief.
A National Pattern I See Every Day
Despite how often families say they want to spare their loved ones from difficult decisions, most Americans still don’t plan ahead. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, only about 19% of adults have actually pre-planned and prepaid their funeral arrangements (NFDA, 2025). Yet surveys consistently show that nearly 69% of Americans say they would prefer to plan their own services. (CAPTRUST, 2023). The gap between intention and action leaves families unprepared at precisely the wrong moment.
Even conversations are often avoided leaving families without clear guidance. In my hospice years, I saw the emotional cost of that silence. In funeral service, I see the practical consequences.
What Families Carry When Nothing Is Planned
When a death occurs unexpectedly, or even when it is expected, families are suddenly asked to make dozens of decisions in a very short time. They are grieving, exhausted, and emotionally raw. They worry about honoring wishes, about cost, about whether they are making the “right” choices. I have seen children struggle with guilt, spouses second-guess themselves, and families fracture under the weight of uncertainty, not because of a lack of love, but because no one ever talked about what mattered most.
Those moments stay with you when you work in hospice. You remember the daughter who said, “I wish we had talked about this.” You remember the spouse who whispered, “I hope this is what he would have wanted.” Those are burdens no family should have to carry.
What Changes When Someone Plans Ahead
Pre-planning shifts that entire experience. When arrangements are made in advance, families are not left guessing. They are not forced into rushed decisions. Instead, they are guided by clarity. They can grieve without fear, knowing they are honoring their loved one exactly as intended.
Planning ahead allows individuals to express what reflects their life, faith, culture, military service, music, simplicity, or celebration. It also ensures those wishes are documented, safeguarded, and accessible when they are needed, even years later.
From a grief standpoint, this matters deeply. When families know they are carrying out clear wishes, there is less conflict, less guilt, and often a profound sense of gratitude. I have heard families say, “This was the last gift they gave us.”
The Quiet Relief of Financial Preparedness
One of the hardest conversations families face during loss is about money. Funeral expenses are real, and financial stress can quickly overshadow remembrance. National studies indicate that more than one-third of American families take on debt to cover funeral expenses, and many report they could not manage the cost without borrowing (Whitehurst, 2025). Pre-planning allows people to make thoughtful choices at their own pace, often protecting their families from rising costs over time.
Flexible payment options offered at Pontarelli-Marino also make this process approachable and manageable, not overwhelming. More importantly, it removes financial decision-making from the moment of grief. Families are spared difficult conversations at the worst possible time, and the focus remains where it belongs on honoring a life.
Why I Encourage These Conversations
I don’t encourage pre-planning because it’s my profession. I encourage it because I’ve seen what happens when families are protected and when they aren’t. I’ve seen the relief in a son’s shoulders when he realizes everything has already been taken care of. I’ve seen spouses able to simply mourn, without logistics pulling them away from their grief.
Pre-planning is not about being morbid. It is about being thoughtful. It is about saying, “I love you enough to make this easier.”
A Final Act of Care
In hospice, we often talked about legacy not what we leave behind materially, but how we care for the people we love. Planning ahead is one of the most profound expressions of that care. It is a final act of responsibility, clarity, and kindness.
As someone who has grown up in funeral service, spent decades walking alongside the bereaved, and now helps families plan with intention, I can say this with certainty that pre-planning doesn’t take anything away from life. It gives peace to you, and to those who will one day miss you most.
And that, in the end, is what love looks like.
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Christine Lachapelle-Miller – christine.miller@dignitymemorial.com
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References
CAPTRUST Financial Advisors. (2023). Planning for your funeral: Why it matters and how to prepare.
https://www.captrust.com/resources/planning-for-your-funeral/
National Funeral Directors Association. (2025). Americans embrace digital funeral planning while still seeking professional guidance: NFDA consumer awareness and preferences study.
Whitehurst, N. (2025). Protecting loved ones from funeral debt. Cumberland Legacy Law. https://www.cumberlandlegacylaw.com/protecting-loved-ones-from-funeral-debt