GriefSPEAK: Resource Guarding a Survival Instinct – Mari Nardolillo Dias

By: Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer, grief and grieving

Mercy and I were in Walgreens this past week when a woman approached us. She was enamored with Mercy and asked several questions about her breed, age, and disposition.

Then, she asked me a question: “Does Mercy engage in resource guarding? I have a doodle named Finn who is nine years old and for the past nine years he has been resource guarding. People think it’s cute, but it can be very annoying! He takes every item in the house and hides them. Remote control, cell phone, article of clothing… once he took a visitor’s coat and hid it under the bed. “

Hmmm. Resource guarding. I assumed it was defined by, “guarding one’s resources.”  The full definition is as follows: Resource guarding is a behavior in dogs where they aggressively protect valued items, like food, toys, even owners. They are motivated by the defense of valuable resources. It may be displayed as a defensive response, such as running away with valuable items. It stems from ancestral survival instincts, not dominance.” (AKC.org)

My natural inclination is to search for analogous behavior in humans. I did not have to look far. Many of my clients exhibit behaviors that could be indicative of resource guarding. Spouses who guard the belongings of their deceased, with a warning that they should not be touched or worn. Children who guard the surviving parent in fear that they might lose them. Grievers who hide letters and notes from the family member who passed, hoping to keep them protected from others. A safeguard of sorts. The five-year-old who insisted on taking her dad’s cremains, (urn, and all)  on a plane and subsequent cruise. (I include this because my client, the young child’s mother asked how she might go about dissuading her child from taking the urn. “What might TSA say? What if she is not allowed and they take it from her?! And… I think it might be emotionally unhealthy for her to insist on taking “Daddy on vacation.”

My next step includes researching key terms “resource guarding in humans.”
It seems that Humans display resource guarding in both overt and subtle ways.

• Micro-aggressions – When we experience sudden anger when someone interrupts our personal space or uses personal items without consent.
• Control and hoarding: When we display controlling behavior over how and when resources are distributed, i.e., money, food, etc.
• Mate Guarding: Evolutionary frameworks show that we may closely monitor or restrict our romantic partners to fend off rivals and protect defection.” (Psychology Today, Therapist Directory)

Not surprisingly, excessive resource guarding can cross into pathological territory when it is rooted in trauma or anxiety and can cause significant interpersonal conflict. Protecting boundaries is healthy, yet when that protection crosses over into excessive research guarding. (Psychology Today).

Question of the Day: Is a five-year-old’s request to bring her dad’s urn on the plane appropriate resource guarding… or… a sign of a pathological behavior rooted in trauma?

If responding, please explain your response? By the way, this is ungraded!

Best, Mari

(You can leave your response, below!)

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/