GriefSPEAK: The Lifelong Wound of Abandonment – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer 

“When you coming home, dad? “I don’t know when”

But we’ll get together then

You know we’ll have a good time then.” (Cats in the Cradle, Harry Chapin)

Childhood abandonment isn’t just physical. It can be emotional, psychological, and/or simple neglect. As the above quote suggests, a parent who is too busy to spend time with his son is a perceived abandonment. The key point to consider is that those of you who experienced any type of abandonment, real or perceived will carry that wound throughout your life.

As a child, it’s very scary to feel like your world is not safe. Consistent. One of my adolescent clients mentioned that her parents were addicts and fought constantly, both physical fights and verbal arguments. My client (Grace) told me that she was so terrified that she ran into her room and covered her ears until it was over, or the police showed up. As an 18-year-old, she struggles with the wound of abandonment that manifests as an extreme anxiety and panic attacks,  however, childhood abandonment shows up in different ways at pivotal times.

There are several theories that proffer attachment models. Most of them concur that the following may be representative of childhood abandonment effects at these stages. It is important to note here that we are not talking about stages when abandonment trauma occurs, but rather childhood abandonment trauma that shows up in different ways throughout the lifespan.

According to Maria Barbosa, during early childhood (0-12), children with abandonment issues may exhibit frequent tantrums, clinging or withdrawal. They may have difficulty trusting a world that seems unsafe and inconsistent. They may feel afraid that if they do not please, they will be unloved or unlovable.

During adolescence (13-18) those who struggled with abandonment trauma during childhood may struggle with identity and experiment with exaggerated independence or rebellion as a coping mechanism. Seeking validation of their worth may manifest as drug use and other risky behaviors.

During adulthood (19+ years), childhood trauma may manifest as anxiety, insecurity in relationships and mood swings. (Psychology Today). Adult relationship patterns may be seen as overdependence on their partner, need for reassurance or pushing others away. (Better Me). They tend to be hypervigilant for any cues that remind them of  abandonment. (Psychology Today). In addition, they may struggle with loneliness and damaging coping skills.

There are caveats to the above. HOW abandonment issues show up depends on the timing, type, support systems available and personality (resilience).

Take the quote from Harry Chapin’s iconic lyrics. There could be a powerful abandonment issue on the part of the son, as his father never had time for him. In this, case Chapin’s father figure observes his son as a grown man, “And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me, my boy was just like me.” The abandonment showed up as a role model.

And so, it goes.

The ultimate abandonment is a death loss. For those of you who struggle with abandonment issues as adults, a death can cause a powerful, complicate grief response. It is the ultimate betrayal of the person who we never could trust to be there for us, although we always hoped things might change. And through death, they never will.

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/