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It’s all about control – Mary T. O’Sullivan, MSOL
By Mary T. O’Sullivan, MSOL, contributing writer
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” Maya Angelou
When change needs to happen, three things need to be recognized: what’s realistic, what’s sustainable over time, and what can you control? Embracing these concepts often stymie people who truly have a strong desire to alter their situation, whether it’s at work, socially or personally. Change is always challenging and making the commitment to make a transformation is often the most daunting part.
Many people dig in and talk a lot about what needs to change in their lives. Their stories can go on forever. What they give the listener is a laundry list of grievances, that may in fact be egregious, but when they drill down to the essentials, it comes out that there is very little they can control about their situation. And how does this impact the act of making a change?
What I’ve learned over the last nine years of coaching executives and professionals is that the process of making change is like a 12-step addiction program. It may take a while for each person to come to grips with the reality, but when encouraged to examine all the facts, people begin to realize that unless they understand what they can control, their grievances will continue to pile up leading to more frustration, anger, and disappointment.
A recent client felt cut out of her families’ business. As usual, when there is a tectonic shift in management, lots of things that were once set in stone begin to crumble. When the founder of the company died, the siblings were at a loss. Who would take over? Who would be the main decision makers? How would the company organize itself without its former leader? Over several years, and many fall-outs with other family members, my client’s role in the company had been severely reduced. She had no control over finances, processes and procedures, HR policies, and the structure of the organization. She felt abandoned by her family, and she was angry about the loss of relationships and her lack of participation in key decisions.
She listed more issues and complaints about her situation for many minutes. I couldn’t think of a smooth interruption, so with only a few minutes left, I asked her what, if anything, about her circumstances could she control. The question set her back on her heels, and she began to think. In a few moments, she realized there were only two avenues for her to gain control. None of which involved her siblings and which she could pursue independently.
This awareness was her AH-HA moment. She immediately put pen to paper and wrote notes on her next steps to gain control, and we decided on a two-week timeline in which to complete her objectives. My strategy for working with this client is to continually look for areas that she can control, because in her current situation, the stars are not aligned in her favor. She must seek the areas under her direct influence before change can begin. Otherwise, resentment, animosity, and discontent will rule her life.
“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them… The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.” – Wayne Dyer
Connect with Mary:
www.encoreexecutivecoaching.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marytosullivan/
Read all Mary’s columns here: https://rinewstoday.com/mary-t-osullivan-msol-pcc-shrm-scp/
Mary T. O’Sullivan, Master of Science, Organizational Leadership, International Coaching Federation Professional Certified Coach, Society of Human Resource Management, “Senior Certified Professional. Graduate Certificate in Executive and Professional Career Coaching, University of Texas at Dallas. Member, Beta Gamma Sigma, the International Honor Society. Advanced Studies in Education from Montclair University, SUNY Oswego and Syracuse University. Mary is also a certified Six Sigma Specialist, Contract Specialist, IPT Leader and holds a Certificate in Essentials of Human Resource Management from SHRM.