GriefSPEAK: Widow’s Fire – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, NCC, FT, contributing writer on grief and grieving

Katherine came to me shortly after her husband had passed following a very brief illness. As expected, Katherine was distraught, anxious, and overwhelmed at the prospect of the role as a young, single mom. We worked bi-weekly for several months.

Janice came to me immediately after her husband’s funeral. She, too, mirrored all of what Katherine had expressed, in addition to the loneliness and her feeling of being buried under a pile of paperwork required by probate court. I worked with Janice for several months as well.

Both women had known their respective husbands since middle school, the fairy tale wedding of marrying your high school sweetheart. Ironically, both Katherine and Janice introduced an issue that is often considered unacceptable for those in the early phase of their grief journey. Sex. The shame. The guilt.

“How can I even entertain the thought of physical intimacy when it’s only six months since he passed? What will people say?”

“What is wrong with me? Am I crazy?” This does not make any sense! Have you ever heard this said before?

“Yes,” I responded. It is called “widows fire”. The simple fact that there was  a term associated with their “condition” normalized their narrative and promoted additional discussions.

A widow’s fire is defined as:

“The intense, often surprising, desire for sex, intimacy, or physical closeness and human touch that can arise after losing a spouse. It can clash with their grief and cause confusion, guilt, or shame, but is considered a normal human response to trauma, lack of touch and a need to feel vital and connected again. It is a complex feeling that can manifest as yearning for hugs, a deep need for connection or a strong urge for sex.” (Abel Keough).

It is a normal, natural response for many, as both the brain and body on grief manifest changes in neurotransmitters and hormones, which in term affects the libido.

Katherine and Janice were both relieved to hear this explanation, albeit still not accepting it as normal. In fact, they both found it “scary.”

If you are shaking your head in disbelief as you read this, the phenomenon is widespread. In fact, there is a website designed to include a global community of both widows and widowers. (widowsfire.com). It is primarily the social judgement that thwarts women to move to action; however, I caution widows to examine these responses, as grievers tend to be vulnerable and can make risky decisions.

Whatever the case, if you have experienced this sudden and surprising physiological response – please give yourself permission. It’s OK.  Said arousal patterns do not mean you have forgotten your spouse. It does not mean you did not love them. It doesn’t mean you don’t miss them, that your heart is not broken. All of that can be true simultaneously. There is little that is mutually exclusive when it comes to grief,  as well as life in general.

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is an Adjunct Professor of Counseling and Psychology at both Johnson & Wales University and Community College of Rhode Island. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/

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