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GriefSPEAK: Two Truths and a Lie – Mari Nardolillo Dias
by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer
“We wanted to confess our sins, but there were no takers” (Milosz)
Dear Readers-
I suspect that many of you are familiar with the game, “Two Truths and a Lie.” Each person in the group (or individual) states three facts and the audience needs to determine which statement is the lie. Of course, if you know the person you have a substantial advantage; however, as therapists we know little to nothing about the client’s backgrounds during the initial session. We are trained to “meet clients where they are” and assume what they are saying is truthful unless we hear or see a contradiction in words and/or body language/tone. For those who are accustomed to lying, it can be difficult and sometimes nearly impossible to discern which is the lie.
Let’s look at substance abusers. It is believed that all addicts lie, as it is the quality that helps them cover the truth of their addiction as well as the extremes they go to to hide their activities. It is a habit. One that is difficult (but possible) to change in recovery/rehab. Think “Nurse Jackie” on Netflix. Enough said? The surprising thing about Nurse Jackie is, despite her lies and manipulations as well as the consequences of those lies on loved ones, colleagues and even patients, she remains likeable to 88% of viewers.
Of course, lies of omission are included as well. It is common for clients and residents to be in weekly therapy for months before they reveal a truth that is the foundation of everything they have disclosed previously. It is certainly a disadvantage to therapists when we work with, what I refer to as “true lies.” A lie so often repeated that it becomes a truth – so much so that they can pass a lie detector test. Research shows that about 10-20% of liars can pass a polygraph test.
Statistics reveal that about 29% of addicts report lying about their substance abuse; moreover, 93% of therapy clients, in general, report lying at least once to their therapist, and 72% reveal that they have lied about a specific therapy related topic.
The “whys” of this phenomenon are too numerous to address as there is a high degree of variables. The consequence is obvious – the amount of money and time wasted on a process that is based on trust, truth, self-disclosure, and lack of any judgement. Although oftentimes I feel as if I am being “tested”- will she really be trustful, honest? Will she judge me? You can trust that I and many others are “takers” to hear your “sins”.
In the song, “Looking for Liars” the lyricists provide an alternate view of lies:
“The truth be damned when we need what we need
We learn to pretend not to see what we see
We want to hear words that we know just aren’t true
Been looking for answers for things that we do” – (Dean Petrella, Joe Martira, Looking for Liars in “Chasing Light” album, 2025)
Resident Angel shared a testimony from a young man she heard speaking in church. She “was struck” by his response when someone asked the question: “You have been in rehab several times, but long-term recovery alluded you. Why do you believe you will be successful this time? What is the difference?
“Because this time I decided to tell my therapist the truth.”
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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK
Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.
Dias was an Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI. For more information, go to: http://gracepointegrief.com/