GriefSPEAK: Small Shoulders, Heavy Goodbyes – Mari Nardolillo Dias

“Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?” (Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven, 1992)

Children do not grieve in paragraphs – they grieve in bursts – clinging one minute, kicking the next, refusing school because the world no longer feels safe. What seems like defiance is often grief speaking through a 5-year old’s body and six-year old’s world, powered by concrete thinking and magical guilt.

Take Bella for example. Bella is a six-year-old whose dad passed away a few months ago. Bella has taken to bursts of kicking and biting her mom, all the while screaming, “I hate you! I wish you were not my mother… I wish I were never born!” Shortly after she retreats to play with her toys, humming a song from her favorite Disney movie.

According to Arsalan Moin, “Pay attention to the person your child is most disrespectful to. It is almost always the person that they feel the safest with… this is not a sign that they love the person less, it is a sign that they trust you completely… [This is how] in their painful way, ‘they test the absolute boundaries of your love.…” Will you still love me if I am at my worst? Or will you leave me like [mom or dad] did? What should we do? Address the disrespect and hold boundaries but also recognize the profound compliment-…they are only their worst self with the person whose love they trust the most.” (2025)

Take Tristan, for a second example. Tristan is a five-year-old, uprooted to a new home and new school with tensions within the family. When Tristan refuses to go to school, his behavior (as seen on video) is almost otherworldly. A complete emotional, physical, and psychological breakdown. After viewing the video, mom asked me if she managed it effectively. How did she respond? With a calm, gentle voice she explained that she understood he did not want to go to school, but it is mandatory. Tristan screamed louder. Resisted stronger. My response to mom was the following:

“We can often measure the effectiveness of our interaction by the behavior that follows. Even though you verbalize your understanding of his not wanting to go to school, he escalates, which tells me he does not feel like you understand. Let’s rewatch the video. Now, what do you hear, what do you see? “Anger,” mom replied. “Why, what do you see?”

“I see complete terror. Tristan is very scared and petrified. Perhaps you might respond with, “I understand, Tristan. You seem very scared about going to school.”  I suggested that this response might be more appropriate as Tristan would feel “heard” (fear) and be more likely to calm down and explain more. Mom provided some insight into this fear, as she forgot to remember that Tristan once said: “If you pack a sleeping bag, pillow, snacks and water and sit in the car in the school parking lot where I can see you, I will go to school.”

Now we know what scared Tristan. Unlike Bella, he doesn’t kick and scream at mom, but himself. Both examples are common reactions from children at this age. They are concrete, literal thinkers. Behaviors like separation distress and clinginess, fear of something happening to the surviving parent, as well are irritability, tantrums and aggression are often expressed through behavior. We might observe bedwetting, baby talk, nightmares, and somatic complaints (stomachaches, headaches, etc.).

Simultaneously, the surviving parent is grieving and attempting to understand their children’s behavior. That is a big ask. What are some simple day-to-day solutions? Create normalcy in a consistent, safe, and routine schedule. Normalize the feelings, “It is okay to be sad/scared… I am with you.” Restore some control for them (remember they are feeling powerless, scared, and unsafe) by allowing them to make some small decisions. We can also collaborate with the school with a safe spot/teacher check-in, and use goodbye rituals with concrete pick up plans to reduce anxiety.

If the behavior persists beyond a month or so, we may need to seek outside help. If non-attendance at school or severe separation anxiety continues, if sustained withdrawal, sleep appetite, disruption or self-harm perseveres, and/or if it was a traumatic/sudden death, and intrusive memories/hyperarousal are present, we may want to reach out to a professional for trauma- informed therapy.

Rhode Island’s only center for children’s grief is “Friends Way”, an effective and safe place for children to play while discussing their emotions. For further information contact: FRIENDS WAY. You may also visit the website of the Doughy Center for further information or resources. The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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References

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). Grief and loss: Helping children understand death (HealthyChildren.org). https://www.healthychildren.org

Dougy Center. (n.d.). How to help a grieving child. https://www.dougy.org

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. (2023). Grief and children (Facts for Families). https://www.aacap.org

Haine, R. A., Ayers, T. S., Sandler, I. N., & Wolchik, S. A. (2008). Evidence‑based practices for parentally bereaved children and their families. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 39(2), 113–121. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.39.2.113 National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). Childhood traumatic grief. https://www.nctsn.org

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias was an Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/