GriefSPEAK: Gift or Burden? How Survivors Interpret Suicide Notes in a Changing World – Mari Nardolillo Dias

By: Mari Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down today.
Nothing gold can stay (Robert Frost, 1923)

Thirty to Thirty five percent (35%) of individuals who take their own life leave a note. (Stack & Rockett, 2018).  How do their loved ones respond? And the remaining 70% ?

As a Thanatologist, I have worked with many suicide survivors over the years. For those whose loved one left a note behind, the path down the road to magical thinking (should have, could have, would have) anecdotally seems to be shorter and less winding than those whose loved ones did not leave any type of message. I often hear that the notes (or in today’s digital world, a text, email, voice message or even a video) provide, in some cases the reasoning/thinking of the individual just prior to taking their own life.

I remember one story from a woman, Kate, who told me her husband ran out to grab a half gallon of milk just before dinner time. Ten minutes later she received a text message:  “I’m sorry.” Most of the notes I have been privileged to read express this same sentiment, an apology for suiciding and (sometimes) an explanation of the darkness in their minds that they cannot erase. Avoid. Ameliorate. The darkness that is relentless and overpowering. All consuming. Obviously. the more of an explanation. the less trauma is expressed by the survivors. And then… Some even tell me that the note was a burden. Provoking more questions than answers. Whatever is disclosed is simply not enough. Never enough.

Other survivors, left with nothing, spend months and years perseverating over the reasoning behind the act. They spend a great deal of time on the road to magical thinking. Long. Very winding. Rocky. They often report they feel abandoned and fraught with ambiguity. They often remark “I wasn’t enough to keep them here. I didn’t know. How did I not know?! Now I will never know.”  Wishing for a note. So much blame and guilt. I am reminded of a phrase I heard at a recent conference. “Love cannot stop cancer.” Love cannot stop heart failure. And Love cannot stop suicide.

Historically, the idea of leaving a final note or letter goes back quite a long way. In military contexts, especially during the World Wars, it was common for soldiers to write farewell letters—sometimes kept in helmets, pockets, or personal kits. These weren’t usually “suicide notes” in the modern sense, but more a “just in case I don’t come back” letter for their loved ones.

While the concept of a suicide note as we think of it today is a bit different—more tied to personal crises or mental health situations— those military farewell letters are a historical precedent. Research explores how the tradition of farewell notes has transformed over time. Historically, handwritten letters were the primary medium for final goodbyes. Today, a notable percentage of people leave digital notes through texts, social media, or even video messages. Studies from journals such as Crisis and Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior highlight this shift, noting that roughly 30-35% of cases involve some form of note (Stack & Rockett, 2018), with digital farewells on the rise. The UK noted instances of individuals posting goodbye messages on Facebook, which underscores that  “new media note-leaving” is an emerging phenomenon in self-harm and suicide contexts” (Cambridge.org). Frost’s timeless words remind us of the fleeting nature of these goodbyes.

References

Biddle, L., Derges, J., Goldsmith, C., Donovan, J., & Gunnell, D. (2018). Using the internet for suicide-related purposes: Contrasting findings from young people’s online activity, a register of internet-related suicides, and interviews with bereaved relatives. Crisis, 39(1), 42–53. https://doi.org/10.1027/0227-5910/a000464

Chia, B. H., Chia, A., & Tai, B. C. (2008). Suicide letters in Singapore. Archives of Suicide Research, 12(1), 52–58. https://doi.org/10.1080/13811110701800969

Harris, E. C., & Barraclough, B. (1997). Suicide as an outcome for mental disorders. A meta-analysis. British Journal of Psychiatry, 170(3), 205–228. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.170.3.205

Rockett, I. R., Kapusta, N. D., & Coben, J. H. (2012). The rise in suicide among adults aged 35–64 years in the United States, 1999–2010. American Journal of Public Health, 102(S2), S325–S330. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2012.300943

Shneidman, E. S. (2001). The suicidal mind. Oxford University Press.

Takahashi, Y., Sakurai, K., & Ishii, M. (2012). Suicide notes and suicide-related communication in electronic media. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 42(6), 685–693. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1943-278X.2012.00115.x

Williams, C. L., & Clark, M. (2018). Digital suicide notes: Examining social media, text messages, and video farewells in contemporary cases. Crisis, 39(5), 375–383. https://doi.org/10.1027/0227-5910/a000515

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias was an Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/