GriefSPEAK: If today were the day – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD. contributing writer

“Don’t you know what matters? Stop and take a breath

Don’t waste it on worry – The last breath you might have left

Spent your whole life chasing – chasing dollar signs

All your money and worry…won’t change we all die”

(That’s What You Get lyrics by Dean Petrella and Joe Martira, 2023)

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I am reminded on more than a daily basis how fragile life is. In the snap of a finger. Or less. We take so much for granted, over-worry, wish to win the lottery… Why? Many tell me its death anxiety. If you don’ t talk about it, think about it, entertain it – it won’t exist. It does. I am not purporting that we should all live sitting at the edge of the chair, anxious and preparing for the worst. One client, whose dog is 16 years old and has terminal cancer, is experiencing anticipatory grief. She has a warning. Not a finger snap. Swears she will never get another dog because she can’t go through the pain.

The carnage in Israel awakens many to the fragility of life. One moment you’re fishing. The next moment you’re dead. Life changes on a dime, and we are powerless to change it. Medication, chemotherapy, radiation – all can postpone death, but no one can change it. I believe that if we knew when we were going to die (day and date) it might ameliorate the denial and/or anxiety of death. We need to focus on the present minute.

I have a mantra, a question I ask myself every day, sometimes more than once a day. “Mari, if you were to die today, are you doing/thinking/feeling what you would want on your last day on earth? If the answer is yes, then I continue. If the answer is no, then I change it. Whatever it is.

Is what you’re doing right now what you would like to be doing today if it were to prove to be your last day on earth?

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/