GriefSPEAK: Balancing the Skin of a Rhinoceros, with the Heart of a Dove in Therapy – Mari Nardolillo Dias

Balancing The Skin of a Rhinoceros, The Heart of a Dove: Compassion, Boundaries, and Gratitude in Therapy

It was October 29, 2014 when my end of life client, Carolann, addressed my Counseling class. Carolann and I had many conversations about life, her bucket list, and her regrets. She mentioned that she wanted to be remembered, a legacy of sorts. I asked if she would like to speak to my students. She was very excited and even more so when I suggested we video her visit. I promised her she would be alive and well in my classes for as long as I was teaching. Every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I show this video. Today, dear readers, you are my classroom!

Prior to her illness, Carolann was a substance abuse therapist. When speaking to my students, she shared her mantra, her philosophy of therapy. “Have the skin of a rhinoceros and the heart of a dove.” I’ve never forgotten her or this phrase, as I have shared it with many a budding therapist in my graduate classes during role plays.

Balancing the skin and the heart is the ultimate paradox of a therapist. The practice of therapy requires balancing two seemingly opposite forces. The Skin of a Rhinoceros (resilience and firm boundaries), and the Heart of a Dove (unconditional compassion and empathy). Our effectiveness depends on both.  As the emotionally heightened Holiday season approaches, finding this balance is critical for preventing burnout and sustaining ethical care.

The Skin of a Rhinoceros is the professional structure and ethical framework that protects the therapeutic relationship and the therapist’s well-being. Boundaries are often mistakenly viewed as a defensive barrier, but they are fundamentally a necessary act of care. Clear boundaries are not selfish; they are an act of compassion that models healthy relationships for the client and ensures the therapist’s longevity.

The Heart of a Dove is the capacity for deep empathy that allows clients to feel safe and initiate healing. This emotional labor, however, can lead to exhaustion. To protect this core capacity, the therapist must cultivate professional gratitude and sustain compassion through gratitude. Consciously appreciating the privilege of witnessing a client’s growth and resilience refuels compassion, acting as an essential antidote to compassion fatigue. Instead of solely focusing on the distress in session, we choose to feel grateful for the client’s courage in showing up and doing the difficult work, keeping their own emotional reservoir available.

The most effective practice occurs when the Skin of the Rhinoceros protects the Heart of the Dove, and results in the integrated professional. This integration ensures that the therapist is fully present—soft enough to connect, yet strong enough to guide. A resilient therapist integrates strong structure with deep feeling. The boundaries created by the “Skin” allow the “Heart” to remain open, available, and emotionally regulated, rather than becoming depleted or hardened.

The ability to maintain both the resilience of the Rhinoceros and the softness of the Dove is the key to a sustainable and ethical career. This Thanksgiving let us reflect on both the gratitude for our meaningful work and the boundaries that allow us to continue offering it fully. A strong boundary is the frame that preserves compassion.

Thank you, Carolann, for introducing and reminding all of us how important this balance is. I am still keeping my promise!

Below is the link of Carolann’s address to my classes,
Carolann Livingston 12/11/2014.