GriefSPEAK: A Grief Therapist Grieves As Well – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

“Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you” (Maroon 5)

We wait for babies to be born. We wait for people to die. We know the gestation of the fetus is nine months. When the time comes, we ask: “What does the doctor say? How much longer will it be?” When we go into labor, we ask the same questions: “What does the doctor say? How much longer will it be?”

It is the same with terminal illness. “What does the doctor say? How long will it be?” No one knows. No one can answer the question – whether we are coming into – or out of – this world.

This has been a difficult couple of weeks.

A dear friend in the ICU.

A loving family member stunned by the results of a PET scan, now waiting for the results of a biopsy.

A close friend of the family passes on.

A longtime friend receives a devastating diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia.

A friend had been “actively dying” for 3 days. Akin to “active labor.” I knew it was close to the end but never the day or the time. I was swimming laps at the gym, constantly glancing at my apple watch to check on messages. I have been checking messages since Tuesday. As I was swimming, I felt a sudden lightness of being. A cloak of weight dissipating. A release of vicarious pain. I didn’t have to check my watch. I knew. I checked anyway. I saw the text. “She passed, peacefully.”  Waiting for her to die was not a wish, but… a sabbatical in time. A prayer to end the pain. The torture that could only be erased by morphine. Or death. There were no alternatives.

A grief therapist grieves as well. We grieve for our friends and our family. This personal grief sometimes prevents us from providing therapy for a time. Our grief gets in the way of our client’s grief. There is not enough room for both. I suspect that in a while, I will be able to regain emotional strength and reframe all the above. All too young. Too soon. Too young to be seriously ill. Too young and too soon to receive a terminal diagnosis, too young and too soon to die. Too soon. I will raise a glass to all, laugh at the memories, and shed tears whenever I hear, “Cause the drinks bring back all the memories and the memories bring back, memories bring back you.”

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/