GriefSPEAK: Use Your Words – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, contributing writer on grief and grieving

“Use your words” is a phrase most often directed at children, designed to encourage them to identify and verbally express their emotions and/or needs instead of crying, acting out or having the well-recognized “melt down.” However, there is a mountain of research (see references) on this approach which indicates that anyone who manifests a “meltdown” is often not the best fit.

Designed to calm us down by using words rather than a manifestation of emotions can be difficult and sometimes impossible. Why? During a meltdown or extreme emotional distress, the amygdala can hijack cognitive processing. In a meltdown, our amygdala is overactive (emotional part of the brain) and when asked to use our words, our brains need to switch off the amygdala and activate the prefrontal cortex (thoughts and language). Amid extreme emotional distress, words cannot be accessed or attainable. Thus, the phrase “use your words” can compound the distress by adding a directive that is impossible to achieve at that point. Result- frustration and more. This process is even more difficult and heightened with individuals on the spectrum.

We need to find a way to calm ourselves and others down before asking for words.

How does this apply to grief?

This week I experienced two deaths of good friends. The first came in a phone call, informing me that he had died after a prolonged battle with pancreatic cancer. The second was a dear friend from childhood and beyond. I heard he was hospitalized and not doing well, so my brother and I went to visit him. He died while we were visiting. The shock of witnessing an unexpected death of a good friend was overwhelming. If someone had said, “Mari, use your words” my stockpile of emotions would be exponentially increased. “What words? I don’t know where they are” I can’t find them. My mind is blank, but my emotions are storming.”

We need to be cautious with what we expect from ourselves and others. Give yourself and others time, observation, and introduce grounding techniques (There are thousands of them). You may also use co-regulation, often used in grief therapy. Once you or the individual has reached a calmer state, you may then proffer the prompt and ask them to “Use Their Words.”

NOTE: My new book, A Memory of Elephants, is written as a helpful co-regulation grounding method. Please join me Sunday, March 8, 2026 @ 6:15pm at the Greenwich Hotel, 162 Main Street, East Greenwich, Rhode Island for the official book release, Q & A, and book signing. No purchase necessary. If you cannot make the event but wish to purchase the book, please visit: A Memory of Elephants: A gentle story about grief, wisdom, and finding one’s way forward: Dias EdD, Mari Nardollillo, Milauskas, Kerry: 9798241996664: Amazon.com: Books

REFERENCES

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signaling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

(Shows how stress disrupts the prefrontal cortex—the region responsible for executive functioning, language organization, and reasoning.)

Blair, R. J. R. (2005). Applying a cognitive neuroscience perspective to the disorder of psychopathy. Development and Psychopathology, 17(3), 865–891. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579405050418

(Includes discussion of emotional reactivity and reduced cortical regulation during heightened effect.)

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why can it matter more than IQ? New York, NY: Bantam Books.

(Introduces the concept of the “amygdala hijack,” explaining how intense emotions temporarily override rational thinking.)

LeDoux, J. (1996). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

(Seminal neuroscience work explaining how the amygdala processes threat before the cortex can engage.)

Lupien, S. J., McEwen, B. S., Gunnar, M. R., & Heim, C. (2009). Effects of stress throughout the lifespan on the brain, behavior, and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 434–445. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2639

Mazefsky, C. A., Herrington, J., Siegel, M., Scarpa, A., Maddox, B. B., Scahill, L., & White, S. W. (2013). The role of emotion regulation in autism spectrum disorder. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(7), 679–688. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2013.05.006

McRae, K., & Gross, J. J. (2020). Emotion regulation. Emotion, 20(1), 1–9. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000703

(Discusses how emotional intensity affects cognitive control systems and regulation capacity.) This article explains that many individuals with autism experience significant challenges in emotion regulation, particularly during high-intensity emotional states, which can interfere with communication and adaptive behavior.

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog: What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. New York, NY: Basic Books.

(Explains how children in a dysregulated state cannot access higher cortical functioning such as reasoning or language)

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton.

(Describes how nervous system states during threat reduce social engagement and verbal communication.)

Samson, A. C., Hardan, A. Y., Podell, R. W., Phillips, J. M., & Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation in children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorder. Autism Research, 8(1), 9–18. https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.1387

This study discusses how emotional dysregulation in autistic youth can result in behavioral outbursts or meltdowns, especially when cognitive regulatory strategies are not accessible.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Delacorte Press.

(Explains that when children are emotionally flooded, the “downstairs brain” dominates and the “upstairs brain” responsible for language and reasoning goes offline.)

Tottenham, N., & Sheridan, M. A. (2010). A review of adversity, the amygdala, and the hippocampus: A consideration of developmental timing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 3, 68. https://doi.org/10.3389/neuro.09.068.2009

(Reviews how the amygdala responds to threat and how heightened emotional states influence cognitive processes.

White, S. W., Oswald, D., Ollendick, T., & Scahill, L. (2009). Anxiety in children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorders. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(3), 216–229. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.01.003

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/