GriefSPEAK: Living Life Backwards – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, NCC, FT, contributing writer on grief and grieving

“Ah, but I was so much older then.

I’m younger than that now” (Bob Dylan, My Back Pages)

I recently read a short story entitled “The Life of Chuck” by Stephen King. He begins Chuck’s story at the end of his life, Act 3, a perspective that mirrors much of my professional work – from the end to the beginning.

At the outset of the story, we meet Chuck who is actively dying of cancer. We meet Chuck’ s wife and son, both struggling with anticipatory grief. In the next section, Act 2, we learn a great deal about Chuck. He is a stereotypical, strait-laced accountant in a drab brown suit carrying the obligatory brown leather briefcase. He is attending a conference for accountants and appears to be uninvolved and uncurious as he walks through a city square that is teaming with people of all ages and walks of life.

Chuck walks through the throng of people, seemingly indifferent as he weaves himself around the people, careful to remain walking with perfect posture, eyes straight ahead. He walks past a young person playing the drums, the traditional empty hat in front, hoping to make enough money for a coffee and bagel. Something heartwarming, cathartic, and joyous happens to Chuck. (no spoiler alert- you will need to read it or watch it, although the book is far better than the movie). This “happening” occurs for only a short period of time, and Chuck returns to his accountant role and walks away.

Act I contains Chuck’s childhood-school memories, a long-forgotten garage band and his parents who strongly encourage him to pursue a noble career in accounting. He meets his wife in late adolescence; they follow the prescribed next socially acceptable step and marry. They have one son.

Dylan’s quote above reminds me of Chuck. He was so much older, but younger for a short time in Act 3. It is very much a sad story, one of regret, missed opportunities and forgotten memories.

Personally, I do not want to grow old with someone. I want to grow young. Many of us are like Chuck and adapt to society’s expectations without regards for the excitement and joy that is still there for the taking. You identify with me. You remember a time where you fit the mold of “old” despite your chronological age. Now it’s time to be younger.

I have quite a few mantras that are oft repeated. “To what end? What do you plan to do with this one wild and wondrous life (Mary Oliver); If this is life, let’s do it again! (Zarathustra in Nietzsche). My newest quip to someone who questions my behavior, mode of dress or general zest for life, I just state “Life of Chuck Act 2”. It is an entirely different perspective and conclusion when we look at life backwards.

Join me? I am younger than that now!

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias was an Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/