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GriefSPEAK: The Gift of Goodbye: Reprise – Mari Nardolillo Dias
by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer
“We long for the gift of goodbye…
Where do we go from here?
The sadness won’t just disappear
Watching the clock it never stops
Where do we go from here?” – (Lyrics by Joe Matira/Dean Petrella, July 2020)
I wrote the following 6 years ago, as we approached the holidays in the time of COVID.
Today, As I sit with my sister-in-law, I am grateful to have this personal gift of goodbye. Many might not view it as a gift, but as I and many others experienced death through an altered lens during COVID, I can’t imagine having such protocols today.
I hold her warm hands, she takes my face and strokes my cheeks. It is painful, and touching. I will miss her terribly. I am just thankful it is 2026 and COVID is in the rear-view mirror.
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“In an effort to maintain a semblance of reality and control, many families have their Christmas trees displayed by Thanksgiving, along with outdoor lights and holiday decorations in their yards. Windows display white candles, and front doors are dressed in extravagant wreaths. We all love this season. We all want this season. We all need this season. There is a flurry of delivery trucks following black Monday, with many a doorstep crowded with boxes that display the Amazon logo. We love to give. This year we have a bit more time to ponder the perfect gift for our parents, children, brothers and sisters.
What’s on your wish list?
My clients have only one gift request.
“All I want for the holidays is the gift of goodbye.”
No amount of money or prayers can fulfill their wishes. Their parents die in nursing homes, hospital beds, hospice, assisted living. These settings are closed to visitors. Due to COVID.
Diane can wave to her grandmother from a window. A woman who raised her and had the greatest impact on who she is today. Paula and Kathy’s mom is in a nursing home with hospice care. Kiel’s daughter was in a horrific car accident, but he cannot sit by her side as she struggles for each breath.
Liam is on life support following an accidental overdose: he is alone when the medical team determines that he is brain dead and sends in the transplant team to harvest his organs. No one knew he had checked off organ donor on his driver’s license.
Oh sure, we have FaceTime. A technological appeasement that cannot replace human presence. Most will die alone. Without the human touch of hand over hand, without the stroking of their hair, without a kiss or a hug. Dying alone is often reported by human beings as their biggest fear.
Following the death, we face more restrictions. Limited visitation at the funeral home. Limited presence at the church/mosque/synagogue.
“Can we just stand outside their gravesite and have a small memorial service?” No.
We grieve for ourselves, for the interrupted life, like immersing ourselves in a sizeable novel only to find the last page had been ripped out.
The gift of goodbye.”
BUT NOT TODAY.
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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK
Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.
Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI. For more information, go to: http://gracepointegrief.com/