Thanksgiving 2024. Love, Family, Remembrance, Fear, Loathing – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

GriefSPEAK: Thanksgiving 2024: A Time for Love, Family, Remembrance, Fear and Loathing

Some of you reading this may feel joyful, and still others are raw with a recent loss and overwhelmed with the thought of a holiday without their loved one. Those who are raw with grief may choose to celebrate in their traditional way, and include an empty chair at the table to represent their loved one. Others may choose to disregard the holiday all together, closing the drapes, shutting off the phone and staying still. A third group may be fraught with confusion as to how to approach Thanksgiving – they would prefer to ignore it and breathe until Friday comes, but they have children and want to offer a sense of normalcy. Yet, grief is not only associated with death, but also non-death/non-finite losses.

This year the grief over the election is still palpable. Enter MATGA (Make Aqua Tofana Great Again) If you are not familiar with aqua tofana, it is a 17th century poison used by women to kill their abusive husbands. (Newsweek). The advent of the MATGA movement, noted by a blue bracelet, a blue heart tattoo and blue hair, all which represent Kamala Harris voters and a symbolic gesture against misogyny. Members want to make white male conservatives irrelevant and impotent. Many MATGA members choose to relinquish their chair at the Thanksgiving table, avoiding Trump voting relatives. An empty chair for those who have passed. An empty chair for MATGA members.

You may also choose to focus on a precious Thanksgiving memory. I have several memories of Thanksgivings past; many spent feeding the homeless in a soup kitchen and/or volunteering in the Trauma Center at Rhode Island Hospital: however, one of my favorites was with an end of life client.

Carolann was in her early 50’s and given a few months to live. She was worried she would pass during the holiday season. She was fearful that her children and grandchildren’s future holidays would be mired by the memory of her death. Despite her waning appetite and decline in physical energy, she hungered for what would be her last Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, anyone who knows me is aware that cooking is not my forte. With that in mind, I ordered dinner for four from a local restaurant. When I arrived to deliver the cartons of food, I climbed the three sets of stairs to the third floor apartment that Carolann shared with her daughter and her two grandchildren. I found Carolann sitting alone at the kitchen table playing solitaire. She was surprised and joyful – her eyes lit up when she saw the feast. Of course, she could only manage a spoonful of each of the dishes: a forkful of stuffing with a piece of turkey, cranberry (her favorite), which she slurped down with a straw, just 3 green beans and her final effort – a piece of pumpkin pie that she labored over with tenacity, slowly and methodically savoring each bite. I fed her the last few mouthfuls.

She passed on December 11 of that year. Knowing I spent her last Thanksgiving with her is heartening. I am confident, given Carolann’s love of family and despite any political views she would never boycott Thanksgiving at the expense of her family. Her daughter and grandchildren, as well as the feast of Thanksgiving would be far more important to her than a political stance. Choose your battles. Choose your poison. I hope aqua tofana is not included in your Thanksgiving dinner!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Mari

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/