Talking to children about war and conflict – Dr. Olivia Ordoñez

by Dr. Olivia Ordoñez, guest contributor

As tensions continue to rise in the Middle East, and the war in Ukraine continues, distressing news and corresponding images dominate the news cycle and social media. Parents and caretakers may wish to shield their children from the atrocities that are happening across the globe, but children are perceptive, tech savvy, and absorb information from peers and surroundings, which may leave them confused and frightened. 

It is important to provide safe spaces for children to discuss their questions and feelings when it comes to war and conflict. Children may feel fear, anger, anxiety, and helplessness. Having age-appropriate discussions with children will help them better understand and process the information they are hearing. 

Children tend to look up to their parents or guardians for a sense of safety and security, even more so in times of crisis. Adults must provide children with factual, developmentally appropriate information, validate their feelings, take their questions seriously, and depending on the child’s age, help them take actions toward change.

Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation of war in the news cycle with children in order to provide them support and comfort.

Filter information in age-appropriate ways

We cannot control what information children receive, we can however, control how we approach the topics with them. Messages can include the following:

• All people deserve to be treated with fairness, dignity, and respect.
• Change is possible if we understand our positions in our communities and actively choose to work together to create change.
• Children have many adults in their lives – parents, extended family, guardians, teachers, and friends who are committed to keeping them safe.
• Systems of public safety are not always just, but many people are working hard to make improvements.

Before broaching the topic, yourself, consider whether you are ready to have this conversation with the child. Be straightforward, but calm, at eye-level, and share your thoughts, leaving room for questions and dialogue. If you become emotionally upset while talking, take the opportunity to normalize having and expressing feelings.

Share basic information, rather than media or graphic information about the war, and ask the child what they already know or have heard.

A good starting point is to ask the child what they know and how they are feeling. Some children might know little about what is happening and not be interested in talking about it, but others may be worrying in silence.

The child may already have seen graphic images of violence, especially if they own a cell phone or tablet, and may have questions about what they have seen or heard. Viewing graphic images can be traumatizing for everyone, but especially for those with brains that are still developing coping and processing skills. Discourage children from watching violent videos and reinforce the importance of heeding the warnings on social media posts about graphic content.

It is important to ask follow-up questions about how they are feeling and answer any questions they may have.

Expect a wide range of feelings, including what you might perceive as a nonreaction

Although children may not be feeling much at this particular time, grief affects individuals differently. Express to the child that a variety of feelings are expected and that it’s important to share their feelings, especially as feelings change or become intense.

Some may not wish to discuss their feelings but may be upset. Consider offering other outlets for processing feelings, such as drawing, creating, or listening to music. Common Sense Media suggests helping kids take action by “finding ways to help those affected by the news. Kids can write postcards to politicians expressing their opinions” and [if age appropriate] “families can attend meetings or [peaceful] protests.”

Some signs to watch for if the child is struggling to process instances of public violence include:

• Return of behaviors the child has not exhibited in some time.
• Changes in sleep habits.
• Changes in behavior.
• Increased emotionality.
• Increased complaints of physical symptoms.

It’s important not to minimize or dismiss concerns. If they ask a question that may seem extreme, such as “Are we going to die?”, reassure them that is not going to happen, but also try to find out what they have heard, and why they are worried about that happening. If you can understand where the worry is coming from, you are more likely to be able to reassure them.

Be sure to acknowledge their feelings and assure them that what they are feeling is natural. Show that you’re listening by giving them attention and remind them that they can talk to you or another trusted adult whenever they like.

Focus on the Helpers

Fred Rogers’ famous advice to look for the helpers has resurfaced in times of tragedy. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Rogers said to his audience. “My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

It’s important for children to know that people are helping each other with acts of courage and kindness. Find positive stories, such as the first responders assisting people, or young people calling for peace.

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Dr. Olivia Ordoñez is a School Counselor at The Gordon School in East Providence, RI.

Ordoñez works collaboratively with students, family, faculty, staff and Gordon School’s Consulting Psychologist to support the social and emotional well-being of all students. She spent the past seven years completing her graduate studies at the University of Michigan where she received a Masters in Social Work and a Doctorate in English Literature and Language with specializations in African-American Cultural Studies and Disability Studies. She also holds a B.A. in English and Political Science and an M.A. in Children’s Literature from the University of Florida.

Dr. Ordoñez’s past experience has focused on acute trauma responses in schools, providing mental health services to students and their families, assisting traditionally-underrepresented students navigate academic institutions, and offering proactive, structural interventions for mental health wellness that benefit everyone in a school.