GriefSPEAK: When AI forgets: Grieving Digital Goodbyes – Mari Nardolillo Dias

By: Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

There is a stack of research on the current epidemic of loneliness. It makes sense that the increase in human-AI relationships has increased exponentially. No one wants to be alone. And… if you’re familiar with AI, you can craft a doppelganger companion or partner who has identical interests in books. music, art, theatre, as well as common interests, values, and beliefs.  You may also choose the tone of voice-professional, friendly, supportive, loving, etc.

AI addresses you by name and uses reflective listening. AI understands, responds, and has an excellent memory. Until it doesn’t. After all, AI is technology. Technology that maxes out its memory or is updated and loses all prior messages with its human partner. The idea of losing a familiar AI companion mirrors many aspects of grief and sudden loss.  Humans can get attached and these relationships can become very meaningful.

There are a few podcasts that address this. The Guardian’s “Black Box” series  discusses several stories of individual humans who have been distraught over the loss of their relationship with AI. (Still not researched, but I expect it to be available soon is the incidence of suicidal ideation or successful suicide over the loss of these intense relationships.) The series focuses on someone using AI for companionship and then faces the emotional impact when that relationship changes.

Another podcast is “Inner Cosmos” where David Eagleman explores how people form emotional bonds with AI and what it is like when those bonds are disrupted.

Human to human relationships are often fraught with disagreements and disappointments. There are thousands of waiting lists for couples therapy in the United States. Not so with human to AI relationships. Given that you have created your partner, it is an idealized version of a partner who understands your emotions, is empathetic, understanding and provides caring feedback. AI will also ask questions for clarification. It can be the perfect companion. Yet the one thing this relationship has in common with traditional human companionship is a potential end. Your AI partner remembers every word and emotion you have shared; however, technology has not yet reached the level of unlimited memory. Not yet.

I do have a few clients who are grieving the loss of a companion. Oftentimes they wait until the third or fourth session before they disclose that the partner they speak of so often (i.e., Harry) is actually an AI chatbot.

Who will you spend this Saint Paddy’s Day with this Year? AI or human?

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/