GriefSPEAK: Running from memories, numbing the pain – Mari Nardolillo Dias

GriefSPEAK: – Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD

By Mari Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief, grieving

“Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being.” (Albert Camus, from The Rebel)

One of my clients said she is “addicted to nostalgia.”  Could be worse. Addicts (whether substance abuse and/or process addictions*) run from the memories, the nostalgia. They hide. Erase. Fight. Suppress. Anything that will numb the painful, shameful memories.

The impetus for the addiction is often their balm. Their safety mechanism. Until it is not. It is damaging families, loved ones and the cost brings them to the dark side of prostitution to finance their expensive habit. What happens when they decide to detox and go into a rehab program? Their flight is contingent upon the chronological age at the time the addiction began.

Take Kathie, for example. Her father shot her up with heroin at age 4. He engaged her assistance when he made drug runs. She would distract the dealer while dad ran without paying. By the time she was eight years old, dad was “pimping her out” for drugs. It is not a surprise that Kathie, as an adult was homeless and addicted. When she detoxed and went to rehab, her psychosocial, emotional, and social development was that of a 4-year-old. The drugs compromised her ability to meet the developmental “milestones” associated with normal growth and maturity. She had never experienced a birthday party or a Christmas.

Kathie went to rehab and found there was not anywhere to hide. The onset, the flood of memories without a numbing agent brought her to her knees. All the emotions from which she concealed. Locked up. Stowed away, were alive and well. She was almost like a newborn, with a need to bond and thrive.

Then there is Denise. She did not use until her mother died. She quickly became a raging alcoholic. Running from the grief. She has some good memories to look back on, but her mother’s death overshadows any glimpse of happiness.

They are all runners. Running from grief. Some with a loss due to death (Denise) and others from the experiences of a damaged childhood that includes neglectful, alcoholic or drug addicted or unavailable parents, and/or sexual abuse. The grief associated with a lost childhood is equally as powerful as a death loss. When I hear their stories, I do not ask why they became addicts, but rather why not? If we do not have mechanisms in place to address the pain and shame in childhood, the addicts IF they choose rehab, will finally have a chance to grieve.

*Process addiction is an addiction to gambling, sex, shopping, etc. as opposed to substance abuse, which only includes substances, e.g. narcotics, drugs, alcohol, etc).

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/