GriefSPEAK: Loneliness of the senses – Mari Nardolillo Dias

By: Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias

Kuchisabishii:  “When you’re not hungry but you eat because your mouth is lonely”

Many of us experience mindless eating. Picking at a dish of potato chips on the coffee table without thought. Sometimes we “feel like something” but are unsure of what that “something” is – so we eat a host of different snacks, waiting for the aha! This is it! Or maybe we never find it.

The Japanese have one word that expresses another view – perhaps our eating is not mindless, but mindful. Our mouths are lonely. Loneliness often results in sadness and longing. This a provocative thought. Can grief create a “loneliness of the senses?” Yes. 

We all have “sensory memory”, where the 5 senses contain both short and long term memory. Our “lonely mouths” are missing the taste of a lingering kiss or the tingle of comfort food from childhood. Other senses may be lonely as well. Our olfactory senses miss the fragrance of perfume or the smell of a cigar.

Recently a client told me that the smell of cinnamon brings her a great sense of calm and peace as it reminds her of grandma’s baking on Christmas Eve. The lack or presence of certain sounds can result in either loneliness or fulfillment. A note from a song, the sound of the car grazing the gravel when their car pulled into the driveway at the end of a busy day. And of course, sight. Our eyes are lonely for the sight of a loved one and we may rely on objects or symbols as a replacement. 

Many of my grievers report overages; overeating, overdrinking, overworking, overthinking. Anything in excess. Our culture avoids loneliness and spins with machinations of avoidance by overdoing. It could be so much simpler. We can sit with the loneliness of the senses.

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/