GriefSPEAK: Hope lives in Christmas. So does grief and trauma. – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer

“So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year older, a new one just begun” (John Lennon)

I know him as Fred. Many know him as Santa Claus. This alter ego is the one he prefers. The one that excites children. The one where children look up, wide-eyed, while sitting on his lap. The one that people love, invite him to their holiday parties and welcome him into their family. Fred has been a dear friend for years, and yes, his alter ego has spent several Christmases with my extended family, driving the horse drawn carriage throughout the neighborhood as we sang our favorite Christmas songs. 

Santa was always happy. Fred was not. His mom passed when Fred was 13 years old, following a difficult war with breast cancer. He was very close with mom and the family thought it best that he see her as little as possible while she was ill. “It might upset him too much.” So, he went to stay at Grandma’s. This was December 1981. Unresolved grief can result in long term trauma. And it did.

Four years after mom passed, Dad and Fred’s older brother and sister were out of the house, off to school and work. Fred was responsible for watching his 7-year-old younger brother, Jared, after school. They lived on a busy street, and when Jared asked Fred if he could get the mail, Fred agreed, with a warning to be careful crossing the street. The next thing Fred heard was the screeching of tires and a loud thump. Jared was pronounced dead at the scene. Jared’s death exponentially increased Fred’s adult trauma.

It became life-long. He began to spiral downward. Had a suicide attempt. In the recent past, Fred’s dad and dog passed. It’s a difficult time of the year. Fred has recently received additional help, as his childhood traumas are still alive and well. (For those who do not believe grief and guilt can last forever, it can, and it does). Fortunately, Fred has been at Butler Hospital and is now in a partial outpatient program. 

This morning my heart skipped a beat when I read a social media post of Fred’s. His post today read: “Goal for next year… Get myself back to one of my happy places… I still own the suit.” I knew this was the story I had to tell this week. Santa is coming back!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! – Mari

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is an Adjunct Professor of Counseling and Psychology at both Johnson & Wales University and Community College of Rhode Island. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/