GriefSPEAK: Dumpster diving for memories – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer

“Memory is a funny thing. Makes you remember things that did not really happen and forget things that did” (Nicole Blackman, Blood Sugar).

She began the session with a phlegmatic statement: ‘What you think and remember is more important than what is true.” This seemed like a cognitive distortion as I thought, “I wonder what the impetus is for this false belief.”

She peppered me with questions.

“Why/how do I remember things that never happened? Can I trust my memories? What is a false memory? How do I know if a memory is true or false?”

Finally, an allowable pause for me to jump in: “Why do you ask?”

She told me that she had several memories that others told her never occurred. She was scared and coped with this dichotomy with an attempt to assuage her fear. “What you remember is more important than what is true.”

The fact that she asked so many questions told me her attempt was ineffective as she was questioning her memories. We went dumpster diving for them. Together we found a container replete with memories. We pulled them out. One by one. We wrote each one down on a notepad. She had the opportunity to access loved ones to assess the veracity of the memories she jotted down. (Many tell me that the person in their lives that they shared many memories with had passed, and the one sole survivor is the keeper of the memories, whether true or false.)

There is an acronym, FMS, which stands for False Memory Syndrome. Psychologists state that attempts to recover repressed memories can be dangerous and potentially inaccurate. Memories are malleable and thus can be misremembered, or entirely false. About 70% of people remember things that never happened. Might we label it with the oxymoronic statement – A true lie? Perhaps they believed it for such a lengthy period of time that was labeled true.

She countered. ”What difference does it make if what I remember is shaded, jaded, or never happened. It does not hurt anyone if I choose to believe it.”

Retrieving memories is a process, whether short or long term. Long term memories are stored in several areas of the brain, most notably the hippocampus, where short term memories are usually stored in the prefrontal cortex. This might explain why those who struggle with memory, whether due to age, brain injury, or a form of dementia can often recall long term memories but cannot remember what they did or who was visiting a mere five minutes ago. With regards to therapy, “Should we never let them know we remember?”

Food for thought.  Do you have the memories or do the memories have you?