GriefSPEAK: Anger with no place to go – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer

There are memes all over social media that state: “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” Not always. Grief is complicated. Often more complicated when the “love” has been shattered. Skewed. Rejected. You are an outlaw, gaslit. 

You may have someone in your life that for some unknown reason decides to cut you out of their life. A life you have shared at their Thanksgiving table for years. They ignore your phone calls; do not acknowledge gifts you’ve sent. They disappear. For years.

The grief due to a non-death loss is palatable but as time goes on, so do we. We hear bits and pieces about them and their life, but we move on. We did all we could. No regrets. And then we hear the news. The person(s) died.

What? This is complicated. How do I feel about this? Why am I shocked? Am I sad? Do I attend the wake? The funeral?  What if I don’t? Do I care what people say? What they think?

We can lose a lot of brain energy and sleep over situations like this and interpret it as grief. Grief has many faces and sadness doesn’t have to be one of them. The confusion and frustration from years past may be erased, yet unresolved, “Grief can be anger with nowhere to go.” You may see the hurt in other’s eyes, for they have been erased as well. You are sad for them because you love them. You feel like you might break from the pain in your loved one’s heart.

Perhaps it’s not grief at all. Perhaps it’s a relief. Relief that this person’s death now erases them, albeit with unanswered questions. Ironically, others may reach out to you with their condolences, unaware that you are disconnected with the deceased. Even when they were alive. In death, a solemn celebration of life, we are told never to speak ill of the dead. We don’t.

They burned the bridges, never to be rebuilt. Pettiness sometimes extends even into death. Be the “bigger person.” Attend the wake or the funeral. Reframe the situation. It’s sad that the deceased has missed out on the joy and pleasures you have experienced. Go. And celebrate your life and the good you have accomplished. 

___

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/