GriefSPEAK: A plan to “keep on keeping on” – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer

Claudia, a 50 year old woman, tells me she has spent several days in the recent past standing on the shore of the beach in Hyannis, contemplating her death. A lover of water, and a widow of 3 weeks, she tells me she has no reason to live. Her husband, Mark, was her life, and every memory includes him. They never did anything without each other. Until now.

Claudia sobs as she explains that she is scared and lonely. She had the discussion of her suicide with Mark before he died. He begged her to reconsider – she would find happiness again. She replied “I’ve reinvented myself several times in my past, Mark. I’m exhausted. I don’t have the energy to reinvent myself again.” Claudia tells me her life has no meaning. An immutable fact, according to her. We discussed Frankl’s definition, “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.”

Claudia felt that her life had meaning with Mark, but alone her existence simply had no purpose. Can she create a new purpose? Might she find another purpose when she is not looking? The meaning of life has long been a controversial philosophical and existential question. Many believe that it’s what we contribute to the world, whether big or small. Others believe life’s purpose is to have children, leaving a legacy for perhaps generations. Still others contend that life has no meaning. 

On Mark’s deathbed, Claudia promised him that she would not take her life. She struggles with the sturdy, lifelong commitment. She tells me she can’t do it. Each time she stands at the shore, she ventures into the surf a few additional steps. She tells me that the thought of drowning brings her a sense of peace, calm, solace. She holds onto the thought when the depths of her despair are overwhelming. “At least there is a way out. But I promised Mark. I have to undo the promise. She did “undo” her promise to Mark through a series of grief exercises. She then modified her promise, committing to giving her life – for one year. 

Three months have passed. Claudia still goes down to the beach, never going further than what she considers safe. She has reengaged in life, friends and activities. She continues to repeat that her life sucks and has no meaning, just a few hours here and there where she might smile or enjoy herself. But she tells me it’s temporary.

Her Despair is a familiar and faithful partner, always on the pillow next to her when she wakes and when she retires in the evening. In between Despair may take a hiatus, yet never long enough to change her promise. She has 9 months before her drowning. Planned for the one-year anniversary of Mark’s passing. Her suicidal ideation keeps her sane. And safe. For now. The ideation is a preferred bedfellow over Despair. 

Yes, we have safety plans, several modes of muffling Despair when it gets too loud. We meet weekly. And we watch the calendar. 

___

To read more articles by Dr. Dias, go here: https://rinewstoday.com/dr-mari-dias/

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/