GriefSPEAK: A change of perspective – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD

“Because I could not stop for Death – He kindly stopped for me.” (Emily DIckinson)

Fiona sat in my office, overwhelmed with the responsibility of planning her dad’s celebration of life.

This past Father’s Day was difficult for the 50-something year old, as dad has passed only a week earlier. It was a sudden death, no warning. Dad was mowing the lawn and working in the garden. She found him face down. A massive heart attack. The widow maker. Fiona’s mother was incapable of contemplating a postponed celebration of life. Outside. In a park. During the summer. Mother believed in traditional wakes and funerals, not a celebration. In addition, he had health problems and his (Frank’s) sudden death left her stunned. Numb. Thus, Fiona, as an only child, was appointed as the organizer.  

Fiona found this honorable as she was daddy’s little girl – but wanted it to be perfect. Perfectionism is weighty. And mostly impossible. As she spoke, I thought of the ceiling of Grand Central Station. Some believe that the designer transposed the galaxy, but I agree with the Vanderbilts – “A purposeful depiction of God’s unique vantage point of the stars.” (history.com). 

Picturing Fiona’s dad trying to get her attention, as he had the same view of the stars as her father, I asked her to complete this sentence, coming from her father: “Fiona, don’t forget…” This was an “Aha” moment for her. As she viewed the planning from dad’s perspective, it was now easy. 

“Fiona, don’t forget to invite…”

“Fiona, don’t forget my favorite colors…”

“Fiona, don’t forget my love for chicken saltimbocca…”

“Fiona, don’t forget I loathe …”.

And on and on… “Fiona, put yourself in dad’s shoes.” 

At the conclusion of our session, I shared the story of Grand Central Station’s ceiling with Fiona.  She left with that image as a view that she shares with her dad.

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/

Dr. Dias is the author of GriefSpeak