GriefSPEAK: A Sister’s Love Across the Miles – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias Ed, DNCC, FT, contributing writer

A SISTER’S LOVE ACROSS THE MILES: IN MEMORY, ALWAYS CLOSE

“Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure
Measure a year?

In daylights?
In sunsets?
In midnights?
In cups of coffee?
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?” (Broadway Musical, RENT, 1996, Jonathan Larson)

Auntie Barbara is my mom’s older sister. She passed this week, following a life of 99 years, or 52,037,400 minutes.

Mom and Auntie were 15 months apart, and mom doesn’t remember life without her sister until now. They were opposites in both their physical appearance and personality, but like “Irish twins” (only Italian!), they maintained a close, strong bond throughout their lives, despite living 3,000 miles away – Mom on the east coast and auntie Barbara on the west.

Years ago, they would “schedule” their Monday evening phone calls, given the time difference and the price of a long-distance phone call. Even though they both had cell phones they maintained their Monday evening calls, which lasted hours, occasionally they might even call each other again – same week-different time!!

Auntie was a creative genius with her hands. From making my mom’s wedding dress to China painting, to clay creations as well as food – homemade pasta, homemade Italian bread (they don’t have Italian bread in Santa Barbara!).

I remember as a child we drove to California for Christmas and I was amazed that Santa knew where I was and left gifts. Even more amazed when I returned to Rhode Island and Santa left gifts there for me as well!

Auntie Barbara was a quiet, gentle soul, with a soft voice, who loved the Blessed Mother and said her rosary daily for years. She never forgot us – always sent cards with a lengthy personal note.

I often hear grievers belie grief associated with the elderly. “You are lucky. You have no right to grieve. They lived a long, full life.” Not always true. Yes, at age 99 Auntie did live a long, full life, but missing her doesn’t become less because she lived so long. Sometimes the grieving can be more difficult because we had them for so long – our entire lives are replete with memories, and each one of those memories includes the person who was with us for so long.

I invite you to grieve as well as celebrate those that we lose at an advanced age. They have provided us with so much knowledge of history, as they experienced it personally. The legacy they leave, as all of us do, is a little part of them is always in us.

Rest in Peace, Auntie Barbara. I know you are with the angels, teaching them crafts and the fine art of knowing when to pick the best avocados. Contrary to Dylan Thomas, I know you went gentle into that good night.

___

Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/