GriefSPEAK: A Grief Therapist Grieves as Well (reprise) – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD,NCC. FT, contributing writer on grief and grieving

If I can Dream **(Elvis Presley- written in response to the assassination MLK Jr and Robert F Kennedy. It is a powerful, impassioned anthem for human connection and understanding)

“There must be lights burning brighter somewhere.

To be birds flying higher in the sky more blue

If I can dream of a better land

Where all my brothers walk hand in hand

Tell me why, oh why, oh why can’t my dream come true?

We’re lost in a cloud.

With too much rain

We’re trapped in a world.

That’s troubled with pain.

But as long as a man

Has the strength to dream

He can redeem his soul and fly.

Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question.

Still, I am sure that the answer, answer’s gone come.

Somehow

Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle.

And while I can think, while I can talk.

While I can stand, while I can walk.

While I can dream

Oh, please let my dream come true.

Right now,”

We wait for babies to be born. We wait for people to die. We know the gestation of the fetus is nine months. When the time comes, we ask: “What does the doctor say? How much longer will it be?” When we go into labor, we ask the same questions: “What does the doctor say? How much longer will it be?”

It is the same with terminal illness. “What does the doctor say? How long will it be?” No one knows. No one can answer the question – whether we are coming into or out of this world. What about sudden, unexpected death? That is another animal entirely. Often termed “the event,” the trauma is defined as our physical, emotional, psychological reaction to “the event.” When we do experience a trauma, we often feel a need to tell everyone what happened. In detail. This is an effective method to decrease the traumatic response. We are in shock. We cannot believe our eyes and/or ears. The process of repeating the story allows us to come out of the shock and numbness to reality. It really happened!

This week many of us experienced an event. The murder of 23-year-old Iryna Zarutska was caught on video. The brutal stabbing rocked our senses. Visuals have a way of doing that.

And of course, Charlie Kirk. Another senseless killing of a man whose savage death was available for all to witness on social media. Played repeatedly. Discussed over and over again. Until it becomes a stark reality. Both deaths incurred collective grief and cause us to question the purpose. Why? Iryna was an innocent passenger, stabbed to death in the back on a subway in North Carolina. Why?

Charlie was a man of faith and conservative values. Believed in the power of marriage, family, children, and faith. To what end? I am devastated by both deaths – it seems that since COVID we have become an exceptionally individualistic society. Without connections to our world. As the front page of the Providence Journal reflected a post from Trump: “The world is LONELY.” I would add distrustful, alienated, disconnected from human interaction and faithlessness. Little spiritual base. We need a belief in a higher power. If not, we spend our lives existentially adrift. Well, at least the United States. Charlie inspired and encouraged faith.

This week we buried the second of two of our graduates from a women’s long-term treatment program for substance abuse. I, as the clinician, worked on a weekly basis with them as a group and then individually. They also engaged in bible studies and church services. Sang in the choir. They were happy. Most importantly, they had hope. Until they didn’t. Once they left the safety and warmth of the treatment home, their confidence wavered. I am devastated by their deaths as well. Two young children under 6 now are without a mom. When I introduced myself as “mommy’s friend” to the three-year-old, she told me that “mommy isn’t here today. She went to heaven. Do you know when she is coming back from heaven?” My heart broke. “No, I’m not sure.” Well, why did she go to heaven anyway, she just came home from the big white house (treatment home).” I tried to produce a quick reply that might satisfy a young child who can only think concretely. “I know, we all miss her, but I think Jesus called her because he really needs her help.” “Ooooh.!” That retort seemed to satisfy her as she skipped away.

If it were only that easy for adults, who can think in the abstract and recognize the finality.

Honestly, this week has left this grief therapist reeling. So many “Whys”? Iryna, Charlie, Amy, Diana. I loathe violence. I loathe fentanyl. And often… tired of “the events” that trigger my trauma response.

These “events’ shock us to the core, and the body keeps the score.

A grief therapist grieves as well. We grieve for our friends and our family. This personal grief sometimes prevents us from providing therapy for a time. Our grief gets in the way of our client’s grief. There is not enough room for both. I suspect that in awhile, I will be able to regain some strength and reframe their deaths. Too young. Too soon.

Hopefully, what I said to the 3-year-old child is true. Jesus needed them to help him. All of them.

___

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/