GriefSPEAK: Completion. Finished. Done. The Meaning We Give Our Lives. – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer, grief and grieving

I’ll admit it. I have a penchant, no perhaps an obsession with completion. I often find it almost impossible to begin a task unless I can guarantee that I will finish in total. When grading assignments, the logical approach might be a few at a time, over a span of days. My mind tends to belie this approach, and I find myself waiting for a period to correct all at once.

Laundry. Not daily nor weekly. I wait until the laundry basket and chute are choking, filled beyond the brim and ready to attack anyone who might try to empty them. I must complete all the laundry at one time until the laundry basket and chute are empty.

Walking the dog. Almost impossible to walk one block, one street. I need to complete the full neighborhood circle, or we just do not walk!  I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get it. I know it is irrational, and not the best approach to time management, but there is a correlation with doing everything at once and a sense of accomplishment. For me, anyway.

This compulsion for completion is my modus operandi in life as well. The examples I provided above are a micro view of daily interactions. When compounded the result in a macro view of life itself. Each day needs to be completed in total, despite unintended or uninvited interruptions. If my goal is thirty pool laps, followed by a kayak paddle (must be shore to shore and back!!) and then a sunset harbor ride on the dinghy, all must be accomplished as planned. Doesn’t sound very spontaneous, right?

However, spontaneity fuels the goals. Impulse. Go to Block Island for the weekend. Almost nothing can stop me from following the instinct once it pops into my head. I struggle with “no” for an answer. No Airbnb, VRBO or hotel rooms available? Do I want to change my weekend? No. The adage of “where there is a will there is a way” is alive and well. Tenacity pays off. Boaters will rent a V berth on their vessels, whether in Old or New Harbor. New York City? Struggling artists, actors and postgraduates are more than happy to rent you a room.

Completion. Not a piece of an idea, but the whole plan. It is not a surprise that I fall into the category of  “Ask for forgiveness, not permission.” Oh, I do pay consequences for this life approach, but it leads to a fulfilling life.

This week we read about the passing of a man who lived his life completely. Authentically. Judge Frank Caprio. Although I knew him, I was not privy to his personal life philosophy, except through his actions and media accounts. The end result, despite the approach, was a life fully embraced, lived. For Good.  In reading and listening to individuals’ stories, there is no doubt there is a little bit of Frank Caprio in thousands of people. That is a pretty impressive legacy from my point of view.

We have evil that proclaims they are “finished.” Not a word I would consider synonymous with completion. Finished can implicate “done,” with a shade of giving up. Completion seems to have a more positive connotation: Success. I guess it depends on your definition of the meaning of life. My fondest definition is “Our life’s meaning is the meaning we give it.”

___

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/