GriefSPEAK: Symbols hold our memories – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

According to sociologists, symbols play a meaningful role in our lives. The symbol of a tattoo is a permanent reminder of a person, a memory or an image that signifies an important person or event. Inherited objects, like great grandma’s wedding ring, Auntie’s pearl necklace, great grandpapa’s watch and chain are all symbols that we value, despite their monetary worth. A rocking chair is simply a rocking chair until you are told/or remember it was the place that your mom fed you and rocked you to sleep as an infant. The chair then becomes symbolic and has added value. Additionally, symbolic items can be two-fold: a rosary that was your Great Great Grandmother’s holds meaning as a religious artifact as well as memories passed down. In fact, the Japanese have a word for this – Tsukumogami- a belief that objects have a life of their own.

Many are superstitious when it comes to these symbols, vowing never to remove them. We sleep, shower, travel – without removing them as if they were a protective talisman that might protect us. But then, the conundrum. We are often asked to remove said jewelry when scheduled for a medical procedure, such as an MRI, CAT scan or even a simple x-ray. Our protestations to the technicians are ignored, “But I NEVER take this off!” But you must.

Recently I had a scheduled chest x-ray. I wear a diamond crucifix and snowflake around my neck. I NEVER take it off, even when swimming… This kindly older gentleman who was my x-ray technician heard my protestations. He had a solution! He told me that he has done x-rays on nuns for years, and they are not allowed to remove their crucifixes from their neck. He showed me what they did. They would take the crucifix, bring it up to their lips and put it into their mouths. In this way, it did not interfere with the x-ray image, and they were not challenged to remove this essential part of their apparel.
I laughed. Mine was a short chain, but just long enough for the tip of my crucifix and snowflake to nestle between my front teeth. There I stood, with a mouthful of diamonds when I heard the technician say, “hold your breath!” Breathe. It is not easy to hold one’s breath with a mouthful of precious stones! Try it sometime!

I was able to accomplish two goals. I did not remove these valuable symbols of love, family, and friendship. I never have. And I never will. I will be buried with them, not for the monetary value that I may need to barter in heaven (as the ancient Egyptians did), but to take the memories to savor even when I move on.

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/