GriefSPEAK: Panning for gold – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

I was recently reminded of a long forgotten childhood memory. I was cleaning the garage, and found a crate with various and sundry items. Most proved inconsequential – until I was scraping the proverbial bottom. I did not recognize it at first, this tiny, corked glass bottle no bigger than a fingernail. When I gingerly shook the bottle, I saw them. Tiny flecks of 22-carat gold. And I remembered.

My maternal grandparents as well as maternal aunt and uncle all live in California. We would visit often, sometimes having bi-coastal holidays. I distinctly and fondly remember Knott’s Berry Farm. Their claim to fame is the “panning for gold experience”, where a guide introduced us to the gully. “There’s a gold mine next to the only active volcano in Southern California. You can pan for real gold and take home the results of your efforts!”

We descended through the mine tunnel where he showed us how to sift the sand from a water trough and shake it until you find gold. Following many attempts, a few flecks were my reward.

It is a bit like grief. I serve as the guide. Some of my grievers sift through their memories to find the most memorable. The most valuable. Others find it difficult to find anything, despite how much they shake their memories. This complicates grief. I am thinking of one widow who was enraged at the idea that everyone adored her husband. Friends, family, work colleagues. They found a great deal of “gold” to save and share. Except his widow. “No one really knew the “real” man. He was verbally abusive, demeaning and critical. Following a great deal of “sifting”, she found one fleck. That seems to be enough. For now.

Then there are those of us who are fortunate enough to have a tiny, corked, glass bottle that, when shaken, brings all the gold back to life.

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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/