GriefSPEAK: The death of hope – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer

Grief over divorce. Whether you filed. Whether your partner filed. After spending a considerable amount of time living with someone, the onslaught of emotions can bury us. This is referred to as a non-death or non-finite loss, but the consequences are often the same as a death loss. 

Take Hillary. Hillary, a 50-year-old attractive, professional woman who has been with her husband for twenty-nine years. The kind of couple who did everything together. Best friends. Except for a golf weekend with his buddies or a conference, Ryan and Hillary were barely ever apart.

Yes, throughout the years there has been some infidelity on the part of Ryan, but they worked it out. Ryan was hired for a new job recently. He met a woman. Ruby. He spoke incessantly about Ruby to Hillary. Why? Hillary recognized the behavior. It was Ryan’s attempt to deflect any suspicions – although it only served to create more. When Hillary confronted Ryan about his “work relationship” with Ruby, he blamed Hillary for her “paranoia” and jealousy. Told her she was controlling and had too many boundaries. This “gaslighting” led Hillary to think that maybe, perhaps, she was overreacting. Between the gaslighting and the constant texts between Ryan and Ruby she thought she might go crazy. She didn’t know what to believe as Ryan was so convincing and seemingly honest. 

Hillary began to read the texts between Ryan and Ruby. She clocked the incoming and outgoing phone calls from/to his cell phone. Although the information she discovered seemed adequate enough to substantiate her beliefs, she needed to see it with her own eyes. She followed them. To restaurants. To a park. She saw them in compromising situations. Then she knew. But she still had trouble believing her own eyes. The relationship ramped up. The number of phone calls, texts and lies increased. When Hillary confronted him, he continued to lie. 

Eventually, after months of this charade, Hillary called it quits. She told Ryan she was “done.” He professed his love, once again defending his relationship with Ruby as platonic and begged Hillary to reconsider. He could not live without her. She worried about suicide. No need.

Once she made it clear by contacting the lawyer though, Ryan took Ruby out to dinner and bought her some very expensive gifts. He went out dancing with her. Quick change of thought. “Hillary, this is the right decision. We should go forward with the divorce.” Hillary was relieved. She could finally exhale. She could not have lived like this much longer.

It’s tax season, and with that, a journey down memory lane, as she itemized expenditures. She sits with Ryan as they tally the numbers. The trips they took last year. The events they attended. The good times. The completion of the tax returns created a long-term memory vortex, as she remembered and relived their lives together. Despite the damage done to this relationship, this marriage, the pain and gaslighting, Hillary is grieving. One might expect her to be relieved and perhaps joyful. After all, she got out somewhat unscathed.  She is grieving the loss of a partial past, the role and moniker of “wife”, the once felt safety of having someone. Grief is very complicated. We can fall out of love, build miles between us, and still grieve. 

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Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

She is Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  http://gracepointegrief.com/